How I Rescued the Oompa Loompas
by Trisher Nicole
Summary: What'll happen when my crew of misfits and I sail across the Atlantic to rescue the Oompa Loompas? Well...you'll just have to go see, won't you? And remember: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Jimmy Bob is afraid of fire
1. My Bright Idea

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that I didn't make up. Like Oompa Loompas. And Willy Wonk. You people should know that by know, because if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here, I would be in Maui or Oahu. Doing something other than spending my Saturday morning typing.

I could be doing other things.

Oh, and it didn't exactly happen this way, but it's better than what really happened.

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CHAPPY 1

My Bright Idea

It was on a Sunday night when I was reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I got to the chapter about the Oompa Loompas, and then I decided to go to sleep, since it was already midnight and I was tired and I was hungry and I like ranting and I like sleep. To the point. Okay. So I got to thinking. That isn't very nice, making Oompa Loompas work for chocolate! And using them as guinea pigs! So I decided to rescue them. But I would need help. I decided to run the idea by Paige.

"Trisha," she stated skeptically, "how are we going to go to England and rescue a bunch of Oompa Loompas? I know that it's cruel, and that it's the right thing to do, but what can we do? I mean…" But I had stopped listening.

"Well…," I said slowly. She didn't know it, but I had not only found, but stuffed into my locker, the very person she most wanted to meet…well, sorta. "Paige, if you help me, I have someone in my locker who you might be interested in meeting…" I saw Paige's eyes light up, because I know who she thought it was.

"Who is it?" she whispered.

"You'll see," I led her out to my locker…and there was my cousin, Kristin, bound and gagged.

"What?" Paige said after she saw who it was. "I thought it was Orlando Bloom!"

"You're lucky I even got her!" I told her. "I just decided to rescue the Oompa Loompas last night! Sheesh, who do you think I am? It would have taken me longer than a few hours to find him. She was hard enough!"

"But…but…," Paige looked like she was about to cry, and Kristin was making quite a bit of noise.

"C'mon, let's get her out of here," I said quietly, because teachers were kinda looking at us funny, like we were mental retards who were acting like normal people. As Steve would say "I'm just a little 'tarded!" He's a weird dude. My dad has lots of weird friends though. I won't even get into my mother's friends.

"But…but…," Paige kept muttering.

"Hm Hmmm Hm!" Kristin was trying to say. She couldn't though, because she still had her mouth taped shut. I know what she meant to say was "Shut UP Paige!"

"Oh that's right," I said, suddenly remembering something, "your still tied up, aren't you? We'll untie you when we get outside." So we took her outside, and we untied her.

"WHAT IS GOING ON!" Kristin yelled. "FIRST YOU – " I clamped my hand over her mouth.

"Shut up until we get to our meeting place," I whispered into her ear. "Then you can yell until we get sick of it." So I led them out to the far end of the playground, where that fence is. Paige knows what I'm talking about.

Kristin gave me a look that said plainly "I hate you." So I responded with a look that said "I really don't care."

"Here we are," I stated. "The meeting place. Our driver should be here any moment now."

"What do you mean by 'our driver'?" Paige asked, finally saying something other than 'but.'

"You'll see," I said shrewdly.

"Can I yell now?" Kristin asked.

"No," I said flatly.

"Who's that in that blue Durango?" Paige asked, pointing.

"That," I declared, "would be our driver."

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AN: Alright, if you have a problem, review. If you don't, review. And if you're going to flame me, please sign in first, or I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! MARK MY WORDS! Ahem. 


	2. Our Driver

Disclaimer: The reason I'm working on this is because I have some time alone and I need something to do. One is the loneliest number…but I'm never alone. Jimmy Bob, Timmy Bob, and Irwin are here with me right now. You'll know who they are by the end of the chapter, hopefully.

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Chappy 2

Our Driver

A tall, gangly, sixteen-year-old got out of the driver's seat. Kristin rolled her eyes, and Paige looked puzzled.

"C'mon Trisha," he said impatiently, "I'm not waiting here all day."

"Who's that?" Paige whispered.

"This," I declared, "is my cousin Troy. Kristin, you know him from Jacob's birthday party. And these two," I said to Troy, "are Paige and Kristin."

"Hi," He said, looking at the floor.

"Why is _he _here?" Kristin whispered to me.

"He's the only one who would take us to Port Huron for twenty bucks and a case of Coca-Cola."

"Oh," Paige said. "That makes sense."

"Good." I told them. "Now get in the Durango. We have a long ride ahead of us."

"Why do we have to go to Port Huron?" Kristin asked.

"Because that's where our ship is waiting." I answered.

"But you don't know anything about sailing!" she replied.

"It comes with a very capable crew." I mumbled. By now Paige had been silent for about five minutes, which is very un-Paige-like. She's normally talking constantly. No offense to Paige, but it's true.

I got into the front seat so I could make sure that Troy wasn't going to take us to the wrong place. Besides, I didn't think either of them wanted to read a map anyway.

"So who are we going to meet?" Paige asked abruptly. "Is it Orlando Bloom?"

"No, it's an informant from the factory." I answered. "He's going to help us get inside. He also said something about having a present for both of you, since I told him how I had to drag you to make you come along."

"Is it Orlando Bloom?" Paige asked.

"Is it Criss Angel?" Kristin inquired.

"Is it Coca-Cola and a Gameboy?" Troy queried.

"I dunno," I answered them all, "you'll have to see when we get there."

We drove around for a while, I occasionally yelling at Troy for making a wrong turn, and Kristin and Paige constantly arguing about who's hotter, so and so or such and such. I wasn't really paying that much attention. I wanted to see Oompa Loompas.

After a few hours of "Are we there yet," and Troy nearly killing us several times, we were all glad when we reached Port Huron.

"YAY!" Everyone yelled.

"Where's the ship?" Paige asked. She was eager to see it, because she loved the movie _Pirates of the Caribbean _and was looking forward to see what kind of ship we were going to ride in.

"There's the informant!" I yelled, pointing to a man in a tan overcoat and one of those plastic glasses with the nose and mustache attached. He was holding a sign that said. "Lorencz Party" and was looking at us cross-eyed.

"HEY!" I yelled to him. He uncrossed his eyes, so I walked up to him. "Is that you Irwin? Irwin Shiggles?"

"How do you know my name?" He hissed.

"Duh, we tried to take over the world together. You've met Paige before, I believe."

"This is too weird," Paige said. "Irwin Shiggles is a fictional character in Trisher's blue notebook. There's no way he could be standing here right now. What's next? Faramir and Boromir are going to magically appear next to us? You gotta be kidding us, Trisher."

"Go and touch him." I told her. "Go on. He won't bite. He already ate."

"I don't want to."

"Too bad!" I dragged Paige over next to him and started to poke her. "touch him and I'll stop poking you." Paige grabbed his shoulder.

"Okay," Paige said happily. "You're real. I have no problem with that."

"Hey Troy," Kristin said. "Can I see your license? I want to see what you look like."

"Um…" Troy replied, looking very uncomfortable. He murmured something that we couldn't hear.

"What was that?" I asked him.

"I haven't got my license yet. Happy?"

"Then why did you agree to drive us here?" I queried.

"I wanted the twenty bucks."

"That's gay." Kristin told him.

"Uh-huh," Paige agreed. I rolled my eyes.

"Irwin," I asked, "where's my ship?"

"What ship?" he asked.

"My ship!" I yelled frantically. "The _Legg_y! You know which one I'm talking about! DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T GET ME MY SHIP!"

"It'll be here," he stated calmly, looking at his fingernails with crossed eyes.

And there she was, in all her glory, the _Leggy_.

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AN: I hope you liked it. You'll find out who Jimmy Bob and Timmy BOb are, if you don't already know.


	3. My Ship

AN: For those of you who don't know why my ship is called the Leggy, it's derived from Legolas. I think Legolas is a funny name, but it's Tolkein's, so … I think you can make the connection, because you're all so very smart…

I thought I told you people not to flame me.

If anyone reading this story has been reviewed by Lady Baelish and was offended, please tell me. I really don't like her.

WARNING: IF YOU LOVE THE MUNCHKINS, DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER.

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Chappy 3 

My Ship

"You got it sprayed for bugs, right?" I asked Irwin nervously as we walked up the gangplank. "And you got the rats removed? Because if I find one rat in there, so help me God…"

"I told you twenty-one times now," Irwin answered. "It's cleaner then a five-star hotel."

"It better be," I growled. I have a thing about bugs, and spiders especially. If they stay away from me, they won't die…unless someone else kills them.

"Where's the stuff you got us?" Kristin demanded. "Trisha said there would be gifts for me and Paige."

"Yeah! Where's Orlando Bloom?" Paige asked. "Even Dominic Monaghan will do!"

"It's in the hold," Irwin said.

"Tank you!" Kristin said (yes, I _know _it says tank). They ran to the hold. Then we heard screaming.

"WHERE'S ORLANDO?" Paige screamed. "OH! HERE'S A LIFE SIZE PICTURE OF HIM! IT'S OKAY!"

"WHERE'S MINE?" Kristin shouted.

"Oh yeah, it's tied to the back of the boat." Irwin replied. Kristin leaned over the edge, when the cabin boy ran up and pushed her in!

"Help!" she screeched. "Help! HELP ME!"

"Kristin," I yelled back exasperatedly, "you know how to swim! You've been bragging all summer that you can swim like a fish!" She didn't listen. Sometimes that girl is just beyond reason.

Then, all of a sudden, a dolphin jumped up out of the water! It grabbed Kristin by the seat of her pants, and dropped her on board. We didn't realize that she was strangling the boy, because we were too occupied by the other spectacle that was taking place.

The dolphin was standing on its tail fin, in a way very much like the dolphins that attacked Springfield in the Simpsons, if you've ever seen that episode. So, needless to say, we were all very freaked out.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Paige was screaming, sitting in a corner of the deck, hugging her Orlando Bloom. As she kept repeating it, I had to poke her, saying "Number three! Number three!" because we've gone to a Catholic school almost all our lives (Paige graduated from there and is now in the High School, because she is a year older then me and couldn't be bothered to be held back) and every time one of us said oh my God, we were told to poke that person and say number three. So now you can do that to anyone who says that, and tell them Trisher Nicole told you to do it, unless, of course, I know you personally, then _you _get to take the fall for it.

"SHUT UP!" Irwin yelled at us. "Now, uh, Little Dolphin, do you have a name?"

"Yes," it said in a very squeaky voice. "My name is Jiff."

"What?" I asked incredulously. Normally dolphins got names like Skippy or Flip. So you can probably guess at how strange that name sounded for a dolphin.

"Yeah," Jiff said. "Well, my parents used live in Sea World, their names were Skippy and Peanut Butter, so they decided to name me Jiff, another brand of peanut butter. The workers at Sea World didn't get a chance to name me, because some Green peace people came and freed us all, even though we were perfectly happy there. We got free food three times daily! No we have to hunt for every scrap of food. It sucks. Anyway, those few weeks that I spent at Sea World were enough that I could learn human, and now I am fluent. I support your cause. I've been near Willy Wonka's factory, and I think that those Oompa Loompas deserve to be set free. They do not even know it is slavery."

"So what do you want to tell us, Jiff?" I asked him just like I would a human.

"The Munchkins want to stop you. They were the ones who banished the Oompa Loompas to Loompa Land. They are the reason for all of their suffering. I don't like them, personally. They've been getting a little too rowdy with the drink, if you catch my meaning."

"So you're saying," Paige replied disbelievingly, "That the Munchkins got drunk and banished the Oompa Loompas to eat nasty green caterpillars on a horrible island, all because Dorothy murdered those witches? I find that hard to believe."

"Ah, but they are waiting for you once you exit the safety of coastal waters. Then they will spring their trap. Glenda is leading them, and you know her. She's a weirdo, and would sink you're boat in a heart beat."

"So what do you suppose that we do about it?" Irwin asked peevishly. That was a Vocabulary word. So was retard. Doesn't that show you what Catholic schools are like these days?

"Well," Jiff said, "there is another reason that I can speak you're language. There was a witch who was with Green peace, and she gave me the gift of tongues, so that I could communicate with every species on Earth. She was a Brit, so I only know English human. She was also for the freeing of Oompa Loompas. She can appear whenever I want her to, and disappear just as fast. She said that if I ever got word of the Munchkins acting, to tell a member of the Society."

"Wait," I said, thoroughly confused, "am I missing something?"

"Well," Jiff said stiffly. "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

"Hey," Troy complained, suddenly speaking up. I didn't even know he was on the ship. "I want to know what the Society is!"

"Yeah!" I yelled.

" Me too!" Paige said, finally setting her Orlando down.

"You didn't let me finish!" Jiff sobbed defensively. I guess he didn't live being yelled at. "I'll just call Her." There was a crack, and a bushy haired twenty-five year old stepped onto the deck.

"What do you want to know?"

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AN: Paige, I'm sorry if you don't like how Orlando Bloom obsessed you are, but this is satire.

And for the rest of you...REVIEW! Reviews are the fuel for these chapters. I notice and read each one of your reviews, and I acknowledge them.Thank you for reviewing.

Except Lady Baelish. Hasn't she evet watched Bambi? "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Now, if there's something that I can change, okay. Don't just say it sucks.


	4. Hybrids

Hooray! I finally updated.And if you see anything that I should change, that's constructive criticism. Just saying that it sucks is a flame. Jimmy Bob's afraid of fire; he'll make _me_ put it out.

Disclaimer: I don't own Oompa Loompas or Hobbits. If I did, I would be in Hawaii right now. It's frickin' cold in Michigan!

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Chappy 4

Hybrids

"Hermione Granger?" Paige and I asked together. Out of all of us, we were the only ones who had read Harry Potter. Hey, if there are Oompa Loompas in this story, why can't Hermione be in it too? And doesn't that make sense because she was so concerned about House Elves that she might move on to something else to free?

"Who are you?" Everyone else asked at the same moment we did.

"I am a humanitarian from Green Peace," she stated matter-of-factly (old habits die hard).

"NADAR NATION!" Paige yelled.

Hermione glared. "As I was saying. I was with them when we set Jiff's family free. I felt a little bad for them because they no longer got free food, but had to hunt for it, so I granted Jiff the gifts of Tongues and Knowledges, which is why he's here. We must battle the Munchkins, and set the Oompa Loompas free!" She was obviously expecting some applause or something because of the oh-so-wonderful speech she made. We just stood there disbelievingly.

"So…" Kristin asked, "are you going to stop Glenda or what?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Yes, you imbecilic morons! Yes! Did you get hit in the head a few too many times or something!"

"Well…," I said sheepishly, "I'm not the most graceful- AH!" I had just slipped on the puddle of water Kristin had made and whacked my head. "Owww. Will someone help me? Please?" I started drooling (just to make them feel bad because no one was coming to help me).

"Oh fine! Just stop that drooling, it's disgusting!" Paige said distastefully.

"I was going to stop anyway," I told her, "I was disgusting myself."

"We're hungry!" An Oompa Loompa with white skin and short dark hair shouted.

"You just ate an entire twenty pound turkey half an hour ago!" Irwin shouted. "And a whole pig an hour before that!"

"Who are _you_?" the surly midget growled.

"Be nice, Jimmy Bob!" Another, bigger Oompa Loompa said. He had curly blond hair, which is a bit odd for an Oompa Loompa/Hobbit hybrid.

"_W-what did you do to those Oompa Loompas?_" Paige said in a voice that said if-you-don't-give-me-a-good-answer-I-may-beat-you but was also a little bit scared.

"_I_ didn't do this." I stated. She immediately relaxed. "I found them this way. Remember when we went to Middle Earth?"

"I really don't want to," she muttered in a regretful sort of voice.

"Well," I continued on brightly, "I found these two orphaned and rejected, so I took them home with me. They've been living on this ship for three months now."

"Why?" Troy asked.

"I'll tell you why!" the surly Oompa Loompa, Jimmy Bob, said. "Willy Wonka rejected us! He threw us out of his PROFANITY factory! Not that we weren't glad to go, but we had nowhere _to_ go. So we went back to live with our ass of a father in Middle Earth, and those PRODANITY Hobbits rejected us too. Everyone hates us. That's why I hate everyone."

Jimmy Bob stamped his foot, kicked Troy in the shin, and headed back for his cabin, giving us a very rude hand gesture. Troy was rolling around on the ground crying. Jimmy Bob looked back and grinned evilly, then slammed the door to his cabin.

"Hello, I'm Timmy Bob," Timmy Bob said politely shaking each of us by the hand. "I'm Jimmy Bob's older brother. He's a bit…umm… irresponsible and rude. And, on occasion, shows mild signs of schizophrenia and paranoia, but other than that he's a good person."

As if on cue, Jimmy Bob started screaming. At first we couldn't make out what he was saying, but then it became clearer, and because I don't want to move this story up to R or M or whatever it is, I'll let you use your imagination.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Irwin screamed, running over to Jimmy Bob's door and pounding on it.

"Well, you're nice," Hermione said sarcastically. She strode over to the door and knocked. "Jimmy Bob?"

"I wouldn't do that, Hermione…" I warned her. I did.

"Jimmy Bob?" and she completely ignores me, "Are you alright?"

"Go away!" he shouted back at her. "I'm doing something!"

"What are you doing?" she persisted.

I could just see him rolling his eyes.

"Killing myself," Jimmy Bob said exasperatedly.

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed, frantically trying to get in. I guess Jimmy Bob could hear her scratching at the door.

"I'm tying the noose!" he said jovially.

"NO JIMMY BOB! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" Hermione was starting to cry.

"I'm hanging it up!" everyone but Hermione could tell that he was joking.

Hermione grabbed random objects and threw them at the door.  
"I'm putting it around my neck!"

She knocked the door handle off with a metal baseball bat that Irwin supplied to her out of his detective's coat.

"I'm gonna jump off the bed!"

She kicked the rest of the door down and found Jimmy Bob sitting on his bed, idly flipping through a magazine.

"Took you long enough," Jimmy Bob stated. "Most witches would have just unlocked the door with magic." Hermione's face turned beat red when she realized how much time and effort she had wasted.

"Well sorry!" Hermione yelled at him. "When someone tells me that they're gonna kill themselves, they usually follow through!"

"Like I would actually kill myself," Jimmy Bob threw back at her wryly.

"Well-" Hermione spluttered.

"I told you Hermione," I said. "I told you to leave him alone. Now you've just humiliated yourself."

"Ha ha your stupid!" Troy sniggered.

Hermione promptly kicked him in the shin.

"When are we leaving?" she choked out.  
"Right now," Irwin said, and he spoke the truth.

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There you go. Don't like it? That's too bad. This is mainly for my enjoyment. If you like, that's great, if you don't, what are you still doing here? 

Thanks to all my reviewers! Except Lady Baelish; YOU SUCK!


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